Harry Potter Evolution!

I started a (terrible) episodic fanfic about Harry Potter, from the perspective of a guy who knows next to nothing about Harry Potter. So far I've got three chapters. I post them on Facebook as I write them, and I've decided to transplant them here, where nobody will see them.

Chapter 1: The Day of Things to Come

One day Harry Potter, famished from a long day of magickery and derringdoo, craved the kinds of treats that only a charming English boy would. He whisked through the Hogwart Fridgery for some butter, for it was crucial to the snack incantation. Alack, the butter was not to be found, not in the Fridgery nor the entirety of Hogwart’s! Harry turned to Hogwart and implored, “Master Hogwart, where is the butter?” Hogwart clutched his mighty beard and began to philosophize, “Young Harry, is it not the butter you desire, or the knowledge such offered in the butter?” Harry was puzzled, perhaps even quizzled. He opened his mouth to speak, but was immediately cut off by Hogwart, “Harry, the butter and the destiny entitled to you await you in the magical forbidden forest! But you musn’t go out, for it is dangerous after midnight!” “Yes sir, Master Hogwart. I will abide by your will.” Harry responded as he started for the door. Back at his chamber of bedding, Harry grabbed his pointy wizard hat and magic wand in a defiant manner, muttering to himself, “Master Hogwart would deny me my destiny, but he will never deny me my tasty treats!” A small tear rolled down his cheek as he passed through the Griffin Door. But it was not a tear of sadness, but a tear of determination.

Chapter 2: Destiny Ascends to Victory

There was no looking back for Harry. In what seemed like an instant he was knee-deep in the middle of the magical forbidden forest. There was no butter there, but there was plenty of danger! Suddenly, a bear crept up from out of the shadows. It was a wild magic bear! The wild magic bear roared its magic roar at Harry, shooting a sparkly ball of neon purple light in his direction. With tears in his eyes, Harry leaped toward the nearest tree, narrowly avoiding the magic bear ball, which whizzed by and hit a nearby rock. The rock then turned into a magical lobster with the properties of a lobster and perhaps a rock. The lobster rushed to Harry and hopped on his shoulder and began to speak. “I am the ghost of your dead father, inside a lobster inside a rock and formerly inside a magic bear’s magic gland!” it moaned. A trillion thoughts rushed through Harry’s mind at once, but all he could manage to say was “Well MOGEY PAH!” in a decidedly non professional tone. “That’s the spirit, son! You should use magic on the magic bear, as magic is their weakness, in the same sense that non magic bears are weak against non magic things, such as bullets and ninja kicks!” replied the lobster. “That’s a bunch of hogwash!” Harry defiantly retorted. “No, that’s a bunch of HogWARTs! Besides, the bear is charging at you now.” the lobster calmly stated as the magic bear lunged menacingly at the two. In a magical fit of adventure, Harry pulls out his magic wand and utters the words “Bearitone Vanquishus!” Suddenly, the magic bear is engulfed in flames of magic and bees. “You did it son, I am so proud of you!” replied the lobster which had previously been a rock. “My time here is short but know that I believe in you and also vampires are coming so you should probably do something! Goodbye!” the lobster uttered as it reverted back to a decidedly non lobster-like rock. “This is too much!” Harry exclaimed, tears rolling down his vaguely magical cheeks. Between sobs Harry caught wind of rustling in the trees. The moon was full. Also, there were vampires. Harry composed himself and braced for inevitable fracas.

Chapter 3: Twilight of the Vanities

Harry gazed at the glass flimsily clutched in his hand. The ice had begun melting long ago, and gave way to an amber slush. A slush that reflected the neon sign behind it and the empty, shattered soul in front of it. “I need another drink.” Harry muttered to the bartender. “I think you’ve had enough.” the bartender slyly retorted. Set off in a fit of drunken rage, Harry grabbed the bartender by the collar and fumed “I’ll TELL you when I’ve had enough!” This caught the attention of the bouncer a the door, who rushed in and grabbed Harry by the back of the neck. “Calm down hotshot, lest I eighty-six your ass!” the bouncer warned. “You’ve no idea who you are trifling with!” Harry retorted, with tears of dismemberment twinkling down his face. “All right, English Dandy,” the bouncer exclaimed “to the alley with you!” He then proceeded to drag Harry by the ankle out of the bar and beat him senseless.
Suddenly, Ron Weasley awoke from his bed. “That was all just a dream... what a relief!” “‘twas no ordinary dream, my boy” retorted Dumbledore, who was laying right next to Ron in the bed. “‘tis a magical Danger Dream! It means that young Harry Potter is in trouble!” “Gee whiz! We’d better help him out!” said Ron. “I am one step ahead of you, young Weasley! Grab your flame thrower, I shall summon Matilda!” Ron crawled under the bed and produced a large aluminium case, and Dumbledore grabbed a large wooden chest from the closet emblazoned with the name “Matilda”. As Ron opened up the case andbegan to assemble his flame thrower, Dumbledore uttered a light incantation at the chest, which magically opened in response. He reached in and pulled out a gold plated chainsaw. “Matilda is ready! Come, we must part from the safety of Hogwart’s before the Griffin Door closes for good! Harry’s life is at stake!”