Ken Cow's Dump

Next Generation/rough draft

2011-01-24T10:57:00.009-05:00

I've often mused on the next generation of gaming hardware and what direction it might be heading, and if that direction conflicts with what I personally want with the industry and/or what I think would be good for the industry, so bear with me as I toss out a few rough ideas.

Here are a few key points to elaborate on later: 3D, physics processing, facial recognition and the emergence of actors, display paradigms, licensing, new control methods and the applications thereof, independent development and marketing, limitations of current display media/infrastructure.

Physics

First, I'll tackle physics. Ragdoll animation has been around since the late nineties. I can't quite recall when it first appeared, but it was hailed as an innovation. In a lot of ways, the implementation of physics simulation has improved the immersion of games. I'll start with the good. Half Life 2 wasn't the first, but its Source engine broke a lot of ground with physics. To this day it remains one of the few games to not only include physics but also integrate it so closely into the gameplay. Personally, the Gravity Gun may very well be my favorite weapon in any FPS. There are a few rudimentary physics puzzles that are satisfying breaks from the typical FPS action (but let's not get started on those horrid speed boat segments), and Portal takes this to an even greater level with its odd reality-warping mechanics (though I do recall a similar albeit stripped down effect in the earlier release Prey). The "Euphoria" engine gave new life to the Grand Theft Auto series, making animations of hundreds of characters smooth and believable as they fly through windshields at eighty miles per hour.

On the other hand, physics can be sloppily implemented. Take the Gamebryo engine that powers games like Oblivion and Fallout 3, for example. The graphics are detailed and beautiful (ugly faces aside), but the physics leave a lot to be desired. They are executed with some fidelity, but one must wonder why they were implemented in the first place. On one hand it makes the world seem more alive, more interactive. On the other hand, it clutters the world and makes the items that don't obey physics seem less organic, like they're nailed down. And I'm no crime scene investigator, but I don't think I've seen a single realistic death pose in a ragdoll physics enabled game. Speaking of which, in the PS3 game Demon's Souls, the bodies of slain enemies linger and flop unrealistically when approached by the player. Just by walking over a corpse, the player can kick it around like a flimsy trash bag.

Breaking the cycle

To date, consoles have usually followed a five year cycle. That is set to change now, due to a few factors. First, the economy has been sluggish worldwide. Microsoft and Sony likely wouldn't see it as wise to invest too much into research and development of new consoles when it's possible to generate more revenue with the current generation of hardware. Oddly enough, Nintendo has lead the pack here. When they designed the Wii, they used a new control scheme and cheaper, less advanced hardware to market toward a newer, wider audience. Many scoffed at this direction, but in the end the Wii outsold the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 by a substantial margin, whereas Microsoft and Sony's gaming divisions spent a substantial amount of time in the red. At this point in history, with development costs skyrocketing, more horsepower tends to mean less revenue. It's clear that Microsoft and Sony are taking a page from Nintendo's playbook and using new control methods to extend the life of their consoles. Sony's "Move" attempts to recreate the Nintendo Wii Remote motion sensing phenomenon and expand upon it with more accurate motion sensing and camera integration, but it's success has been limited at best. Microsoft has ventured into unknown territory with its controller-free motion sensor Kinect. Thanks to a modest half billion dollars in marketing, the Kinect has enjoyed a great deal more success than the Move. These technologies are still in their infancy, and time will tell if game developers and publishers are able to apply them to their fullest potential.

Harry Potter Evolution!

2011-01-24T10:32:00.003-05:00

I started a (terrible) episodic fanfic about Harry Potter, from the perspective of a guy who knows next to nothing about Harry Potter. So far I've got three chapters. I post them on Facebook as I write them, and I've decided to transplant them here, where nobody will see them.

Chapter 1: The Day of Things to Come

One day Harry Potter, famished from a long day of magickery and derringdoo, craved the kinds of treats that only a charming English boy would. He whisked through the Hogwart Fridgery for some butter, for it was crucial to the snack incantation. Alack, the butter was not to be found, not in the Fridgery nor the entirety of Hogwart’s! Harry turned to Hogwart and implored, “Master Hogwart, where is the butter?” Hogwart clutched his mighty beard and began to philosophize, “Young Harry, is it not the butter you desire, or the knowledge such offered in the butter?” Harry was puzzled, perhaps even quizzled. He opened his mouth to speak, but was immediately cut off by Hogwart, “Harry, the butter and the destiny entitled to you await you in the magical forbidden forest! But you musn’t go out, for it is dangerous after midnight!” “Yes sir, Master Hogwart. I will abide by your will.” Harry responded as he started for the door. Back at his chamber of bedding, Harry grabbed his pointy wizard hat and magic wand in a defiant manner, muttering to himself, “Master Hogwart would deny me my destiny, but he will never deny me my tasty treats!” A small tear rolled down his cheek as he passed through the Griffin Door. But it was not a tear of sadness, but a tear of determination.

Chapter 2: Destiny Ascends to Victory

There was no looking back for Harry. In what seemed like an instant he was knee-deep in the middle of the magical forbidden forest. There was no butter there, but there was plenty of danger! Suddenly, a bear crept up from out of the shadows. It was a wild magic bear! The wild magic bear roared its magic roar at Harry, shooting a sparkly ball of neon purple light in his direction. With tears in his eyes, Harry leaped toward the nearest tree, narrowly avoiding the magic bear ball, which whizzed by and hit a nearby rock. The rock then turned into a magical lobster with the properties of a lobster and perhaps a rock. The lobster rushed to Harry and hopped on his shoulder and began to speak. “I am the ghost of your dead father, inside a lobster inside a rock and formerly inside a magic bear’s magic gland!” it moaned. A trillion thoughts rushed through Harry’s mind at once, but all he could manage to say was “Well MOGEY PAH!” in a decidedly non professional tone. “That’s the spirit, son! You should use magic on the magic bear, as magic is their weakness, in the same sense that non magic bears are weak against non magic things, such as bullets and ninja kicks!” replied the lobster. “That’s a bunch of hogwash!” Harry defiantly retorted. “No, that’s a bunch of HogWARTs! Besides, the bear is charging at you now.” the lobster calmly stated as the magic bear lunged menacingly at the two. In a magical fit of adventure, Harry pulls out his magic wand and utters the words “Bearitone Vanquishus!” Suddenly, the magic bear is engulfed in flames of magic and bees. “You did it son, I am so proud of you!” replied the lobster which had previously been a rock. “My time here is short but know that I believe in you and also vampires are coming so you should probably do something! Goodbye!” the lobster uttered as it reverted back to a decidedly non lobster-like rock. “This is too much!” Harry exclaimed, tears rolling down his vaguely magical cheeks. Between sobs Harry caught wind of rustling in the trees. The moon was full. Also, there were vampires. Harry composed himself and braced for inevitable fracas.

Chapter 3: Twilight of the Vanities

Harry gazed at the glass flimsily clutched in his hand. The ice had begun melting long ago, and gave way to an amber slush. A slush that reflected the neon sign behind it and the empty, shattered soul in front of it. “I need another drink.” Harry muttered to the bartender. “I think you’ve had enough.” the bartender slyly retorted. Set off in a fit of drunken rage, Harry grabbed the bartender by the collar and fumed “I’ll TELL you when I’ve had enough!” This caught the attention of the bouncer a the door, who rushed in and grabbed Harry by the back of the neck. “Calm down hotshot, lest I eighty-six your ass!” the bouncer warned. “You’ve no idea who you are trifling with!” Harry retorted, with tears of dismemberment twinkling down his face. “All right, English Dandy,” the bouncer exclaimed “to the alley with you!” He then proceeded to drag Harry by the ankle out of the bar and beat him senseless.
Suddenly, Ron Weasley awoke from his bed. “That was all just a dream... what a relief!” “‘twas no ordinary dream, my boy” retorted Dumbledore, who was laying right next to Ron in the bed. “‘tis a magical Danger Dream! It means that young Harry Potter is in trouble!” “Gee whiz! We’d better help him out!” said Ron. “I am one step ahead of you, young Weasley! Grab your flame thrower, I shall summon Matilda!” Ron crawled under the bed and produced a large aluminium case, and Dumbledore grabbed a large wooden chest from the closet emblazoned with the name “Matilda”. As Ron opened up the case andbegan to assemble his flame thrower, Dumbledore uttered a light incantation at the chest, which magically opened in response. He reached in and pulled out a gold plated chainsaw. “Matilda is ready! Come, we must part from the safety of Hogwart’s before the Griffin Door closes for good! Harry’s life is at stake!”

The Return of Blog

2011-01-24T10:26:00.002-05:00

Long time since posting, mostly posting my autistic musings on Facebook. But for the two of you reading this, I have a few thoughts I want to post here in the near future.

Final Fantasy XIII

2010-09-16T14:30:00.003-04:00

Gamefly'd it. Mailed it back the next day. I honestly can't say I've ever been this insulted and disappointed by a game in a long time, perhaps ever. This is coming from a guy who paid full price for Too Human, beat it, and had no regrets about it.

I honestly don't think I'll be buying another Square Enix game unless something drastic changes..

Wacky Wikis

2010-05-24T11:06:00.002-04:00

In a world where nothing is what it seems, all he wanted was a reference list of key variables, what he got was more than he bargained for. This summer, be a part of the action, with Steven Seagal, Johnny Derp, Shia Lebouf, Jean Claude Van Damme, and introducing sexy butt and gay thumbs. Fools Internet where Angels dare not Tread

This film is not yet rated

Marvel vs Capcom 3!

2010-04-20T14:31:00.003-04:00

Slowtaku

FUCK YEAH!

Dante and Deadpool strongly hinted at, which is awesome, along with Super Skull Man or some lameness.

Frank West hinted at too. Hope he's better than his estranged cousin Hank East who was in Tatsunoko.

Instead of a bunch of Fantastic 4 villains, how about, I dunno, the Fantastic 4? Hell, just color Dhalsim blue and you're halfway there.

But this is the best news in a long while. Hard to top it.

4 words: Top Tier Squirrel Girl

Also, I'm half expecting Solid Snake to make a guest appearance. He seems to be doing a lot of that lately.

Right about now

2010-04-06T09:04:00.001-04:00

The funk soul brother

iPad

2010-01-27T16:09:00.002-05:00

I never had an interest in tablet PCs since their inception a decade ago but suddenly I am all for it! Also, I am a massive tool!

Seriously? iPad?

Sounds like something in that grocery aisle I always skip...

No posts in a while

2010-01-14T12:34:00.000-05:00

Kali > you

Band Hero!

2009-11-05T11:50:00.004-05:00

Games Pot

Silly Activision and their shenanigans. Silly rock stars and their letigious ignorance.

No Doubt reportedly took exception in its suit with having individual band members perform other artists' songs, particularly those that include suggestive lyrics such as The Rolling Stones' "Honky Tonk Woman."

"While No Doubt are avid fans of the Rolling Stones and even have performed in concerts with the Rolling Stones, the Character Manipulation Feature results in an unauthorized performance by the Gwen Stefani avatar in a male voice boasting about having sex with prostitutes," the suit states.

I want to buy this game JUST FOR THAT.

Post 171

2009-10-26T12:55:00.000-04:00

I think we should train children to think that completely innocuous words are profane.

Like, kids will start saying "chair" and "rhombus" and "chrysanthemum" around their friends because they think they're being cool and rebellious.

You know what would be funny?

2009-09-28T13:10:00.001-04:00

Clown feces. Yup. Clown feces.

Happy 10th birthday, Dreamcast!

2009-09-09T12:32:00.001-04:00

The little console that could, but didn't.

Rest in Peace

Robots evolve and learn to lie

2009-08-20T16:32:00.002-04:00

Nerdular Nerdence Online

The experiment involved 1,000 robots divided into 10 different groups. Each robot had a sensor, a blue light, and its own 264-bit binary code "genome" that governed how it reacted to different stimuli. The first generation robots were programmed to turn the light on when they found the good resource, helping the other robots in the group find it.

The robots got higher marks for finding and sitting on the good resource, and negative points for hanging around the poisoned resource. The 200 highest-scoring genomes were then randomly "mated" and mutated to produce a new generation of programming. Within nine generations, the robots became excellent at finding the positive resource, and communicating with each other to direct other robots to the good resource.

However, there was a catch. A limited amount of access to the good resource meant that not every robot could benefit when it was found, and overcrowding could drive away the robot that originally found it.

After 500 generations, 60 percent of the robots had evolved to keep their light off when they found the good resource, hogging it all for themselves. Even more telling, a third of the robots evolved to actually look for the liars by developing an aversion to the light; the exact opposite of their original programming!

Kind of scary. Kind of awesome

Word of the Day

2009-08-06T10:16:00.000-04:00

Phagocyte

Phagocytes are the white blood cells that protect the body by ingesting (phagocytosing) harmful foreign particles, bacteria and dead or dying cells. They are essential for fighting infections, and for subsequent immunity.

Tuck

2009-08-03T11:32:00.001-04:00

Fwilight

Word of the Day

2009-07-20T21:11:00.001-04:00

smeg⋅ma
/ˈsmɛgmə/ [smeg-muh]
–noun
a thick, cheeselike, sebaceous secretion that collects beneath the foreskin or around the clitoris.

Garfield Randomizer

2009-07-09T16:11:00.000-04:00

Loads of fun!

The world must know of this

2009-07-06T16:44:00.004-04:00

So what would hapen if you used a cat's face as a template for create-a-boxer in Fight Night? Slowtaku found out.

Russian cruise company offers up chance to kill pirates

2009-07-06T16:21:00.005-04:00

This isn't a video game.

(though maybe it should be)

courtesy of Al Gore's ass (does that explain the terrible grammar?):

A Russian cruise business now turns the tables around and [allows] loads of Russians to hunt down pirates before the coast of Somalia, the most dangerous waterway in the world.

[This] business idea is simple: His cruise ship is the bait for the pirates. If the real pirates try to board the seemingly harmless ship, they experience a surprise. Instead [of] defenseless merchant sailors they are confronted with Russian tourists armed to the teeth. A macabre tourist fun. I need to remember that tagline, it is stupid awesome

The route goes from Djibouti to Mombasa in Kenya. The ship sails as close to the Somali coast as possible with a speed of only five nautical miles. The tourists can buy and use weapons according to their wishes and budget.

A gun-type AK-47 can be rented for $ 9 a day by the Russian passengers on board. 100 rounds of ammunition cost $ 12. A grenade launcher costs $ 175 a day. This rent includes three grenades. The use of one of the railing mounted machine guns should cost $ 475.

Sign me up.

Picture Time

2009-06-09T16:22:00.000-04:00

Thought I'd throw my hat into the meme ring

Checkin' in some more

2009-06-09T14:43:00.005-04:00

Nothing much to say right now! Musings net, maybe?

Microsoft's Natal and Sony's 1:1 Motion Dildo both look pretty sweet, but I seriously doubt I'd have any use for them. I mean, all my DS games are pretty much touch screen optional (Castlevania, Ace Attorney, Chrono Trigger) and the only Wii game I play is Smash Bros. I play all my games at a desk, for crap's sake.

...except for handhelds. It's a little slice of heaven to play Chrono Trigger while lying on a bed, waiting for the sandman to ~~touch you in uncomfortable places~~ carry you off to slumberville.

I'm not creepy and smelly. I'm eccentric and musky. FU, Larry.

You should come by and visit me some time in Cloudcuckooland.

My resolutions. Last year I resolved to eliminate my credit card debt, and I succeeded. This year, I intend to say goodbye to the beer gut and mantits. They won't be missed.

There's no food in my car. What the hell do these ants want from me?

Lifted from a facebook friend's status:
>(friend 1) Is off to another exciting adventure in math class -_- I'm definitely going swimming later.
>(friend 2) (via Facebook Mobile) Dude. We made love for the first time last night. It was incredible.
>(Ken Cow) lol, was that supposed to be a comment or a private message?!
>(friend 1) my god [friend 2]..... i really hope that wasnt meant as a private msg...
>(some guy) lol, [2] totally one-up'd your status, [1].

I left a pad and pen next to my bed to make note of any interesting dreams I have. But my pen light ran out of batteries. In lieu of hunting down triple A batteries, I'll just not have interesting dreams until the sun comes up.

Gary Busey is the greatest mind of our generation

Is there a more whiny fanbase than that of Valve? Well, aside from the obvious, of course.

E3 so far

2009-06-02T13:44:00.003-04:00

Well Team Ninja is making a Metroid game and (supposedly) Kojima is making a Castlevania game. Both ideas make me squeal with joy.

Now we need just need Epic to make a Megaman game or something. Or maybe Bioware should make a Sonic game. Nah, that would be stupid...

Mmm, wall meat...

2009-05-20T20:32:00.001-04:00

Best summary of Castlevania ever, courtesy of /v/:

Just don't do what this asshole [Dracula] did when his girl got whacked. People will break into your house, steal the delicious meals you've hidden in the walls and beat the shit out of you with some guy's dead fiancée.

Kencow Classics

2009-05-11T13:12:00.004-04:00

Open up the vault!

9/9/2002 3:27 PM

In dreams...

last night I dreamed it was Christmas. Then I woke up and was all like "dag nabbit it's not really Christmas, is it?" strange, huh?

Most of these are embarrassingly bad.

10/16/2002

LordGuhhh: dude
DellDudeSteven: duuuuuuuude!
LordGuhhh: dude
LordGuhhh: dude
DellDudeSteven: yo, dude!
LordGuhhh: dude
DellDudeSteven: dude!
LordGuhhh: dude
DellDudeSteven: duuuuuuuude!
LordGuhhh: dude
LordGuhhh: i am not getting me a dell
DellDudeSteven: oh no! Can I try to talk you out of it?
LordGuhhh: will you give me a free dell?
DellDudeSteven: cool! do u think you want a Dell desktop or a notebook computer?
LordGuhhh: for free
DellDudeSteven: free what?
LordGuhhh: free computer
DellDudeSteven: free what?
LordGuhhh: free willy
DellDudeSteven: free willy? i dunno.

10/31/2002

I had perfect attendance this week

that is a HUGE accomplishment for me. I deserve a reward.

Okay close the vault, I'm mortified already.

Post #155

2009-05-08T10:31:00.003-04:00

There was a post here, it is gone now...

Survival... I Think

2009-04-28T15:58:00.004-04:00

In looking for material for my portfolio, I've come across some OLD documents from my academic past. This is from Critical Thinking, my freshman semester, the year 2001. Does it make any sense?

Medical professionals are extremely valuable assets when it comes to survival. The 41-year-old female nurse should prove very useful to the procreation of a new mankind. At 41, bearing children may be difficult, but it is not impossible, especially for a medical professional. Her age indicates her experience, and experience is necessary for survival. She should also be able to teach the younger survivors medical concepts. She will be able to heal the wounded and tend to the sick because of this experience. The nurse is also important because she can help deliver babies and care for newborns. Because she can also provide valuable assistance to the other medical professionals, the nurse is a good candidate for repopulating the new planet.

Youth is important for the preservation of the future. The 10-year-old elementary school girl is extremely valuable. Breeding is a very important issue, if not the most important issue, in repopulating the new world. Since you need to keep making babies in order to continue the population, the more babies produced, the better. The 10-year-old girl, although not sexually mature yet, will be perfect for breeding. Until she reaches maturity, she is practically useless. In a few short years, she will be able to bear children. When that day comes, the survivors will be able to take advantage of her fertility until she reaches menopause. In this time, she can have several children. The 10-year-old is key to survival because of her fertility.

Also, this:

Until I can drop off a few babies in the West Indies somewhere, I’ll just have to rely on what little I understand of human nature and agree with the aforementioned hypothesis. I won’t lose too much sleep over it.

Top 20 Game Writers

2009-04-25T15:32:00.002-04:00

Gamasutra

I should probably type something in this post. Um, read this article! It likely won't cause cancer!

The State, full series, on DVD July 14

2009-04-21T16:21:00.002-04:00

ABOUT EFFING TIME

Greatest sketch comedy show ever

Aspect Ratios, Scanlines, and Modern Displays

2009-04-21T12:25:00.003-04:00

NFG World

For all [CRT monitors'] problems, they had some capabilities that the modern fixed-resolution LCDs and plasmas can't match. While modern displays have caught up or surpassed CRTs in many respects, in two specific criteria the old units are better than modern displays: image scaling and refresh speed.

LCDs and plasmas (and DLP projectors) are fixed resolution displays, and they don't scale images well. Photographs and TV shows and movies look just great when you zoom in or stretch them a little. They use a technique called resampling to create an image that's not quite entirely unlike the original, but bigger.

Pixels, however, are hard-edged pointy little things which look really terrible if you stretch them at all. Resampling a pixel makes it blurry, and half the appeal of pixel art is its clarity... Even if you're not a pixel-art fan, they often look out of focus. Many people won't notice, or won't care, and they might as well stop reading here. ;)

The alternative method of making them larger is hard-scaling. Rather than stretching them, you simply duplicate one horizontal or vertical row at a time until the proper size is reached. The problem with this approach is... Well, it's really ugly.

This is a brilliant article on retro games displayed on CRTs versus modern fixed displays. It goes into great detail, and has plenty of visual aids. Also, vaseline filters are the spawn of Satan.

Unreal Ed

2009-04-14T15:49:00.002-04:00

It's definitely not the map editor I'm used to (that one being Quark, or perhaps Worldcraft. It's been so long) but it's getting easier. What to do once I learn to properly wield all this power!

Also, post 150!

Also, Tuesday is boozeday. I don't have too many drunk babe pics on hand at the moment. Drunkrockers.com is a pretty good site for that. Maybe you can find one for me and I'll rate you as a person.

Fetish Friday

2009-04-03T16:52:00.006-04:00

Here's a fresh treat! One of the perks of being a Regular Guys Intern is meeting celebrities (mostly of the local and b-list variety). Once I heard some Suicide Girls were coming in I had to show up. Pictured here with some goober are Jules and Bettina Suicide (not morning people, one must assume) along with the inked up Coney Island hottie Insectavora, who are all a part of the Pretty Things Peepshow. They'll be performing their burlesque variety show at Smith's Olde Bar on the 11th. Yeah, c'mon!

Fear the Walken

Nostalgia

2009-03-30T23:22:00.002-04:00

Anonymous just reminded me of Crackdown.

I need to play it again.

Because it is effing awesome

...wait, was that a haiku?

I present to you, Noby Noby Boy

2009-03-30T15:54:00.003-04:00

From the ~~nutjob~~ genius who brought you Katamari Damacy

Periodic Table of Controllers

2009-03-30T15:50:00.002-04:00

clusterflock

Nice little collection there. Somebody did their homework!

R.I.P. Gunpei Yokoi

More on MoronLive

2009-03-28T06:40:00.002-04:00

This Euroweenie agrees with me, and uses lots of words and numbers and stuff to explain why we're right and you're an idiot for ever falling for this scam.

OnLive

2009-03-27T08:58:00.004-04:00

Everyone seems to be messing their pants about OnLive. I love to wreck a party, so here goes.

There are 3 letters that are going to kill it before it ever leaves the assembly line:

L A G

Say hello to the Phantom, would ya?

Checkin' in

2009-03-23T21:46:00.001-04:00

Haven't posted in a while. Here I am! Peteetong.

Szaturday

2009-03-14T23:04:00.005-04:00

This is unofficially "givin' you the finger" week at Ken Cow's Dump. Here's a double deuce dose of Szandora.

Also, some freaky fetish models I wanted to get to yesterday. Aprella and Darenzia also give you the big F.U.

Wednesday is Gwensday

2009-03-11T13:54:00.005-04:00

Gwen was pink before it was cool.

So take THAT, society!

Monday is Gunday

2009-03-09T16:46:00.005-04:00

Today's Gunday hottie is Wendy O. Williams, who gained notoriety in the 80's and 90's by simulating sexual acts with a sledge hammer, among other feats, as the leading lady of the band The Plasmatics. She sports a mohawk, metal spikes, and tight, black leather. Thus, gains an automatic induction into the kencow hall of fame.

So where are the guns, you ask? Well, Wendy isn't so much a gun gal as she is a "RIDE ON TOP OF A SCHOOL BUS FULL OF EXPLOSIVES THROUGH A WALL OF TVS IN THE DESERT HOLY SHIT" gal.

Wendy pictured with Motorhead Rock Deity Lemmy: a pairing so awesome that Nintendo saw fit to name some Koopa Kids after them. Wendy O. Williams is the most awesome woman to have ever lived, and I dare you to challenge that declaration.

Sadly, the world simply wasn't awesome enough for the likes of Wendy so she committed suicide in 1998.

Sunday was Chunday!

2009-03-09T16:30:00.001-04:00

And I missed it. Whoops. Well, better luck next week.

And the award for best review of "Watchmen" goes to . . .

2009-03-08T17:19:00.000-04:00

...the unknown teen girl for "BLUE PENISES EVERYWHERE!"

-Sidney

Introducing: Great Times to Disconnect!

2009-03-08T17:11:00.001-04:00

I love my ISP so much. Now if you'll excuse me I have a corpse to find.

Saturday is Szaturday

2009-03-07T19:49:00.003-05:00

Happy Szaturday! DWARVES!

I bring you Szaturday's namesake, super awesome fetish model Szandora.

She's married to the prince of Satanism or something. Satanism, not being the literal worship of Lucifer as one might expect given the name, is actually just Atheism taken to an extreme level of angsty antagonism.

I don't believe in anthropogenic global warming (a belief just as dogmatic as any religion you may come across), but you don't see me calling myself a Carbonist or something.

Anyway, Szandora is hot, so enjoy.

And by the way, if you don't like my hotties, you can just go to maxim.com and scope out the airbrushed clones. No sweat off my sack.

They call me "Sonic Boom" 'cause I'm charge back forward punch!

2009-03-06T09:56:00.000-05:00

no no no, I'm not even trying any more...

Apple Computers

2009-03-06T09:44:00.002-05:00

They're said to not crash (which is untrue).

Know what else doesn't crash?

A bike with training wheels.

Friday is freakish

2009-03-06T09:30:00.002-05:00

(warning: youtube video, so it might not be up forever)

It's kind of hard to be original when it comes to tattoos and piercings - it seems everyone has them. In order to be truly edgy these days, kids are going the extra mile and spitting their tongues in half. Friday's freak is simply known as "Jessica Piercing." I don't know much about her, but from what I can gather she's from Brazilgentinazuela and will never get a job outside a tattoo parlor or a sideshow. In addition to having a freaking lizard tongue, she has genuine fangs too. (cosmetic dentistry, not those fake plastic fangs you win from skee ball) I'm seriously freaked out (and thus kinda turned on...). Would you let her near your pants?

Capcom holds Resident Evil 5 Blood Drive

2009-03-05T10:21:00.003-05:00

Gamesptopot

Brain-eating zombies are often given a bad rap--on account of the brain eating, and all--but never let it be said that good work hasn't been done in their name. Today, Capcom, in partnership with the American Red Cross, said that it would be marking the March 13 launch of Resident Evil 5 for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 with a blood drive.

The blood drive will be held at the World of Wonder Gallery in Hollywood, California, from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. PST. Those who willingly divest themselves of vital life fluid will have a chance to win a number of prizes, including limited-edition Resident Evil 5 Blood Drive collectibles such as posters, bumper stickers, and buttons, as well as copies of the game.

Capcom will also be raffling off a number of the red Xbox 360 Elite consoles that come bundled with a copy of Resident Evil 5, which Microsoft officially announced last week. Donation eligibility requirements can be found on the Red Cross' official Web site.

I support this. It's a great way to get people to give blood. (You know what else would get people to give blood? PAYING THEM)

Anyhow, the general makeup of the target audience ensures that the donated blood will be largely STD free.

They call me "Tatsumaki Sempukyaaku" 'cause I'm down back roundhouse

2009-03-05T10:15:00.001-05:00

Ah, forget it...

Thursday is Nerdsday

2009-03-05T10:10:00.003-05:00

Today's hottie is the ever-pointy, thuggish geek babe Laura Foy. She's the only decent thing to ever come out of G4. I don't really have more to say.

G4 Sucks.

Typogarphical Errrors

2009-03-05T09:52:00.003-05:00

In the age of embedded spell check I feel as if my own superb spelling skills have dulled quite a bit. However, I am still quite confident in them. That being said, I am ever prone to typographical errors. I detest them. I also detest proofreading. Odd, seeing as how I never seem to get anything right the first time (I'm looking forward to my second marriage). I often gloss over old posts and catch more typos. Seriously, firece? Anyway, if you see any just let me know.

In unrelated news, here's ASCII art of a nipple.

(o)

Actually, I lied. nipples are always related.

They call me "Shoryuken" 'cause I'm forward down downforward jab

2009-03-04T18:04:00.002-05:00

That one doesn't sound quite as clever...

Wednesday is Gwensday

2009-03-04T18:00:00.003-05:00

Gwen Stefani. Perfection.

No Doubt is an awesome band. As for Gwen's solo stuff? Well... No Doubt is an awesome band!

She can pee standing up, you know.

They call me "Hadoken" 'cause I'm downright fierce

2009-03-03T12:05:00.003-05:00

Capcom Unity has released an in-depth PDF manual for SF4. Go check it out, then tell your mother what you've learned.

Can it be super dynamic cooking time now?

Tuesday is Boozeday

2009-03-03T09:50:00.005-05:00

Today's hottie Nicole hails from Canada via Australia, or Australia via Canada, I'm not quite sure which. Check out the clingy doofus with his tentacles wrapped around her. We met around Halloween time '08, during my Bourbon Street Debauchery Tour #4. She was visiting the Big Easy with some friends, including a sexy vampire chick, a blonde, an authentic New York douchebag, and some others I don't care to remember. We drank and talked a lot about this and that. I teased her for being Canadian and vainly attempted to name all of the provinces. Turns out she's a sexy IT chick, so we went on a long diatribe about that before making out a couple of times (she assured me she wasn't married, as if that's stopped me in the past) and doing something in the ladies bathroom. Alas, this was to be short lived, as things were sabotaged by a Filipino girl and her strong drinks. Curse her for not being Vietnamese!

What the...

2009-03-02T21:40:00.003-05:00

Why did it never dawn on me that there are NAOMI emulators?!

...ones that work great even?

Going to nerdgasmville brb.

Monday is Gunday

2009-03-02T18:25:00.002-05:00

Here we have Army hottie Heather sporting a... uh... gun!

I first met Heather on the set of West Side Story. She's got a very sweet Appalachian charm to her, which will be much less cute when she's in her 50's. She and busty hottie Katy played siamese twins in the production of A Funny Thing Happened on the way to the Forum, which sparked a very close friendship between the two. So close, in fact, that is sparked a few thoughts in my head, including "Oh, so she's into chicks? No big surprise... giggity."

Ken Cow's Daily Hotties

2009-03-02T18:10:00.002-05:00

Announcing a new feature that is sure to please all 3 of my readers! Each day will have its own theme and featured hottie. Some of these girls I know, some are random strangers from the interwebs, some are fictional characters, and some are simply objects of my twisted fantasies.

Monday is Gunday, featuring chicks who are packin'.
Tuesday is Boozeday, featuring girls who are drunk, having a good time, or otherwise impaired and unwilling to say "no."
Wednesday is Gwensday, featuring none other than Gwen Stefani. Guest stars may include other hottie pop stars or chicks named Gwen.
Thursday is Nerdsday, featuring girls who are otherwise nerdy, or largely admired by the socially inept, neckbeard types.
Friday is Fantasy Friday (or if you would, Freaky Friday. Clever, eh?). Kind of self explanatory, wait till you see what I've got lined up for that one...
Saturday is Szaturday, featuring hottie hellbound princess Szandora, or otherwise alternative/fetish vixens.
Sunday is Chunday, named after Chun Li, but open to all video game hotties.

Gillette Razor Power, Fusion Gamer

2009-03-02T13:29:00.004-05:00

Amazin'

Hat tip to Rob!!

Bald and Pig-Like weigh in.

So... what makes this a "Gamer" razor? At least put Mario or Snake on the package or something. Or perhaps make it secrete caffeine.

Check out some of these reviews:

I think that, more than anything else, you have to look at the amount of depilatory content that you can access with this thing. The description lists "trim sideburns, shave under your nose, or shape facial hair, such as goatees, soul patches, and chinstrap beards", as if that were an exceptional number of quest zones or something. Look, I shave my head, OK, and you really haven't lived until you've negotiated the tricky Temple Plains, the Unseen Back Of The Skull, and The Fiddly Bits Around The Ears. Does your Razor Power Fusion Gamer Lamer Shamer do that? Well, probably, but the question is, does it do it well? And we're not even talking about the rest of the body, in particular the Southern Forbidden Zones.

As a fan of razors myself, I have to agree about the Fiddly Bits Around the Ears. Definite clipping issues there, it's like the developers didn't intend exploration there but put doodads in place just to tease players.

And five blades? Please. Three is more than you'll EVER need. And dry em off, folks, they'll last a LOT longer. And don't forget to rejuvenate 'em too.

Ken like shave.

Word of the Day

2009-03-02T13:23:00.003-05:00

Dilettante

Pronunciation: \ˈdi-lə-ˌtänt, -ˌtant; ˌdi-lə-ˈ\
Function: noun
Etymology: Italian, from present participle of dilettare to delight, from Latin dilectare — more at delight
Date: 1748

1 : an admirer or lover of the arts
2 : a person having a superficial interest in an art or a branch of knowledge : dabbler

The dilettante contracted syphilis on her way to the Andy Warhol exhibit.

You Failed Sega

2009-02-26T09:34:00.003-05:00

IGN Editorial

When planning last week's Where Did Sonic Go Wrong? feature, I asked fellow IGN editors about their take on Sonic's trajectory. Hilary Goldstein, editor-in-chief of IGN Xbox, linked Sonic's fortunes directly to SEGA's: "The real problem is that for many years, SEGA invested considerable resources into games that were critical hits but financial failures. SEGA chose to break up the teams that made Jet Set Radio, Panzer Dragoon Orta and Gunvalkyrie -- three of the best SEGA titles of the past generation -- and focus on products that made cash."

Remember that for a moment.

There is something deliciously rich about reading message board rants and blog missives that excoriate publishing giants like Activision and Electronic Arts for pushing a steady stream of sequels and franchise expansions into the marketplace. Gamers act as if they abhor such practices, but sales figures say something quite different. Last holiday season, EA released the innovative first-person free-runner Mirror's Edge as part of their stated effort to focus more on original, non-annual games. Guess how Mirror's Edge sold? It didn't even reach the top 20 in November, it's first month of release, typically the window where games make their biggest splash.

On September 9, 1999, SEGA released the Dreamcast in North America. The console was the culmination of four years of listening to complaints about the Saturn and responding with a feature set that met almost all of them. It wasn't just the addition of a modem for online play and the ease of programming to encourage greater third-party support, though, that made the Dreamcast such a special machine. The Dreamcast was SEGA's love letter to gamers that wanted fresh concepts and ideas.

The majority of gamers stamped it with "return to sender."

Sony's promises of "Toy Story" graphics for the PlayStation 2 (still waiting) blunted the Dreamcast's momentum and eventually forced SEGA into pulling the plug before it pulled the whole company under with it. The embrace of the PS2 is not a negative. The effect of the PS2's success on the videogame industry -- heck, the entire entertainment industry -- cannot be undersold.

But SEGA was trying to do something very clever with Dreamcast software like Samba de Amigo, Space Channel 5, ChuChu Rocket!, and Jet Grind Radio. Why did gamers largely turn their backs on this stuff? And does anybody see the crazy irony behind the lamentation of an over-reliance on franchises when great games like this now exist in the rear view mirror?

After an initial outpouring of success with the Dreamcast, SEGA threw hardcore gamers a real party with such incredible new games like Jet Grind Radio and Samba de Amigo, as well as excellent arcade ports such as SEGA Rally and House of the Dead 2. The original Dreamcast titles were fresh ideas we had not seen before, especially something like Jet Grind Radio, which pioneered an entirely new art style for games that is still used today. How did we thank SEGA? By stepping over Shenmue on the way to pre-order SSX.

SEGA did not see the death of the Dreamcast as a reason to stop weaving its magic and immediately set about crafting its unique brand of games for the surviving machines like the Xbox. But sales of those games certainly told them otherwise. We weren't interested no matter what system they appeared on. Take your flying dragon action game and stuff it up Sonic's cakehole. That gorgeous rocket-skating game with a bleeding edge soundtrack? Eat it. We're playing Tony Hawk's Pro Skateboarding 4! And then we're going to have the cojones to complain a few years later that -- boo hoo -- EA just keeps annualizing Need for Speed.

I implore you to consider the legacy of SEGA's business-driven abandonment of games like Jet Set Radio Future. The tanking of the Dreamcast cannot be avenged, but nor should it be forgotten. So, think about the ghost of Panzer Dragoon before you put down that copy of Dead Space and pick up the latest Guitar Hero. And before you curse Activision for ditching games like Brutal Legend, look down and make sure you don't have the blood of Gunvalkyrie on your hands. Because if you do, you lack the righteousness needed to rail against that decision.

Spend smartly. Spend like the possibility of a new Jet Set Radio depends on it.

Fun fact: I bought an Xbox solely for Jet Set Radio Future. And it was worth it.

Yeah, still bitter after all these years.

Missing Nuggets 2/24/2009

2009-02-24T10:15:00.001-05:00

It's a corruption of musings net.

Musings Net 02/23/2009

2009-02-23T12:16:00.010-05:00

Like a salty fisherman's net, this post is intended to drag across my mind and gather delicious morsels from my foggy noggin and let you, the spiteful reader, know what's on my mind at this particular moment.

The Oscars were last night. I am straining to care, but I don't think it's worth the effort.
I'm 26.
The Lost and Damned is so far, excellent. The main safehouse is a dive bar that brings to mind the Dungeon in New Orleans, my favorite bar ever. And yes, I have seen the digital dougan. I... don't have much to say except that it is what it is. First one I've seen in a video game, for sure.
I've worked with computers that are so painfully slow that they would be condemned by the Geneva Convention as torture if given to inmates at Guantanamo Bay.
Street Fighter IV is excellent (though a this point I still prefer the Alpha series over anything else). The final boss, however, is pretty much the worst in the industry. It's like the numbskulls who were (or rather, should have been) fired from the Soul Calibur 3 team were picked up by Capcom to design bosses. Some have even found nonsensical workarounds that attempt to address this sillyness.
The SF4 fightpad is actually better than I initially thought. It is, perhaps, a degree or two off from what I'm used to, which is why I seem to have the occasional trouble pulling off a hadoken or a jump. This can be adjusted, one way or another
In the original draft of this post, I used the term "so far" to an excessive extent.
A lot of my blog posts are news items lifted from the News Fist. But I suppose that's okay, since I usually squeeze out an excerpt and offer some super witty commentary.
Speaking of wacky morning DJ's and Street Fighter, the shocking similarities between Dan Hibiki and Southside Steve have recently dawned on me. Must be the ponytail. Mugen edit, anyone?
Also cocks
I fear the future implications of this recent Soviet revolution, but deep down inside perhaps there's the inner slacker that wishes to absolve all responsibilities and pass them to the government. Not like we're going to have much of a choice in the matter. Remember, choice is now synonymous with abortion. And it's a beautiful thing, apparently.
The term War Criminal... isn't it a bit redundant? Aren't all wars technically illegal? It's not like two factions will resolve their conflicts with a friendly game of foosball (or, thinking in super ridiculous terms, giant fighting robots who represent nations in a global tournament that has replaced conventional warfare)
I'm still asking this question: HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY STEAL A GPS DEVICE? Shouldn't there be some sort of service that, I dunno, uses a satellite to locate the device should it be reported lost or stolen? If not, then maybe we should make decoy devices (with tracking beacons) that look like GPS devices, put them in cars in areas with a lot of break ins, wait for them to be stolen, then track down the thief. Original idea do not steal?
All I really want for my birthday is to be healthy. That, and maybe a sexy teenage redhead (like I got last year).
With the advent of spell check (and now, inline spell check within web browsers) I have completely lost the need for my award winning speeling ability. It makes me kinda sad. I mean, those leeches on motorized scooters don't NEED to walk, but...

Peteetong, Regular Guys

2009-02-17T09:18:00.000-05:00

/wave

Crazy Weekend

2009-02-16T12:13:00.004-05:00

Well what can I say, I had a helluva weekend. On Friday (the thirteenth zomg) I took the night off to go to the first annual Rock 100.5 Naughty Gras party at Wild Bill's in Duluth. It was sponsored by Bacardi and Miller, so they had specials on those drinks. I had me about half a dozen cubra libres (without limes, because limes suck) which were rather strong, given the price. I played a few naughty games, showed off my underwear, faked an orgasm in public, tossed beads at an inflatable sex doll, chastised ladies at the Southside Steve kissing booth for wanting a piece of a guy who may very well be my father... you know, a typical Friday night off for me. I think I might have met Erin, the cutie pie with the kickass rock 'n' roll attitude (who loves facials), but at that point, things were getting hazy.

Oddly enough, after Turnstyle's second or third song I completely blacked out. In my five-or-so years of drinking this has never happened. I have always had at least a fuzzy recollection of the events that had transpired. Somebody yanked out my USB drive and I was unable to save any changes to my memory at that point, in geek terms. I awoke, still somewhat in an incredulous haze, in the driver seat of my car, still in the now empty parking lot. It was 5:30 AM. I literally had NO idea how I got there. I mean, I wasn't even sure where the exit was when I was sober. So I have no idea what happened. Perhaps something so traumatic that I subconsciously blocked it out? Not likely, especially considering my jovial yet apathetic nature. I did leave some clues for myself:

In my pocket was a plastic lid with traces of orange jello (later that morning I discovered a tiny glob of jello in my beard, so I can confirm that I did indeed imbibe of the jello), so it's safe to say that I had a jello shot or two. Odd, considering I don't usually order jello shots. Was somebody with me?
My debit card was missing. I gave it to the bartender when I started my tab and blacked out before I could reclaim it. No big mysteries there. I should go pick it up soon, but it expires in a few weeks anyhow. I'm more concerned about being a deadbeat. There are two quasi-mysterious holds on my checking account from Wild Bill's. A $20 one (about as much as I spent on drinks at the one bar) and a mystery $13 one (pretty generous for autograt, maybe I bought something else?)
My wallet. Nothing was missing, mind you, save for the debit card explained above, but things were rearranged. My license was where the money usually is. Likely had to check to see if I was of legal age, despite the fact that it was a 21 and over event. Laws and such. My credit card was in my pocket along with the jello lid. looking at my statement, it seems I didn't use it. However, there was a mystery receipt in my wallet for a purchase of roughly $7. This was purchased with my Clayton State One card (the one they use to distribute student loans and financial aid). Looking at my statement I left a decent tip. This was likely the jello shot, as the jello shots were sold at a different table and I would have to use a different card. Again... was I with somebody? The transaction took place at around 11:50 PM.
My body. There was a dark purple mark on my right palm... presumably for reentry into the venue? Also, a slight soreness on the bottom of my left foot (which went away in a few hours) and a nasty little scab on my right shin. Everything else seemed fine. no funny smells, no signs of roughhousing. I likely tripped on something.
My camera. I had it in my left pocket, I'm pretty sure. When I awoke, it was safe in my car's armrest compartment, where I usually keep it (unless you're a thief, in which case I don't keep anything valuable anywhere, and I'm always armed, and have a black belt in ka-ray-zee). There were no new pictures on it, so no clues there.
The complimentary condom wasn't used. This could be good news or bad news.
The beads I was wearing were on the passenger side floorboard of my car instead of around my neck. Note that at the time my car was really too messy to accommodate anyone but myself, so I can likely rule out any special guests.
Update: My phone was unchanged, no new numbers, no new incoming or outgoing calls. I can scarcely operate that awful thing while sober.

So even with these clues, I can't really come to a solid conclusion as to what happened. I'll listen in to the Regular Guys to see if they might shine some light on this, or at least tell me what I missed...

United States of AmericaJuly 4, 1776 - February 10, 2009

2009-02-10T17:29:00.002-05:00

Rest in Peace

Bill Gates Unleashes Swarm of Mosquitoes on Crowd

2009-02-05T10:27:00.001-05:00

FEX NOOZ

"Malaria is spread by mosquitoes," Gates said while opening a jar onstage at the Technology, Entertainment, Design Conference — a gathering known to attract technology kings, politicians, and Hollywood stars.

"I brought some. Here I'll let them roam around. There is no reason only poor people should be infected."

First reported on social networking site Twitter, Facebook's Senior Platform Manager Dave Morin blogged, "Bill Gates just released mosquitos into the audience at TED."

Okay, Bill Gates is officially awesome.

Everything old is new again

2009-02-05T09:44:00.003-05:00

Found the old blog archived while scanning through my various hard drives. Needless to say, it's largely quite embarrassing. However, there are a few gems and a few moments of delicious irony. In the coming days I'll be sure to repackage some of the most notable entries and post 'em here in the dump.

Best headphones ever!

2009-01-24T13:20:00.002-05:00

Sorny

2005-2009 Rest in peace

Former French President Chirac hospitalised after mauling by his clinically depressed poodle

2009-01-22T09:38:00.002-05:00

Linque

Former French president Jacques Chirac was rushed to hospital after being mauled by his own 'clinically depressed' pet dog.

The 76-year-old statesman was savaged by his white Maltese dog - which suffers from frenzied fits and is being treated with anti-depressants.

The animal, named Sumo, had become increasingly violent over the past years and was prone to making 'vicious, unprovoked attacks', Chirac's wife Bernadette said.

The former president, who ruled France for 12 years until 2007, was taken to hospital in Paris where he was treated as an outpatient and sent home, VSD magazine reported.

Mrs Chirac said: 'The dog went for him for no apparent reason.

'We were already aware the animal was unpredictable and is actually being treated with pills for depression.

'My husband was bitten quite badly, but he is certain to make a full recovery over the coming weeks.'

The former French First Lady did not reveal where on his body Chirac was bitten.

You know... I don't think there's anything I can add to this, so I won't

Boy licks light pole, gets stuck

2009-01-16T09:49:00.001-05:00

HAMMOND, Ind. — In a scene straight out of the movie "A Christmas Story," a 10-year-old Indiana boy got his tongue stuck to a metal light pole.

Hammond police say the unidentified fourth-grader was able to tell them that a friend dared him to lick the pole Wednesday night. Temperatures in the Chicago suburb were around 10 degrees at the time.

By the time an ambulance arrived, the boy was able to yank his tongue off the frozen pole.

Police say ambulance personnel explained to the boy's mother how to care for his bleeding tongue.

The 1983 movie is set in a fictional city based on Hammond, the hometown of author Jean Shepherd.

That's not a snippet, it's the whole story.

Next week, the news story of the kid who injures himself trying to emulate Evel Knievel.

LOL, campus Internet

2009-01-15T15:56:00.000-05:00

With emphasis on the 'pus'.

David Bowie broke the global economy

2009-01-15T12:08:00.003-05:00

Gigwise

David Bowie started the current global financial crisis when he offered fans the chance to buy bonds in his music in the mid-90s, an economics expert has claimed.

The 'Bowie Bonds' entitled the buyer to a share of the royalties from the singer's back-catalogue. In return, Bowie collected future profits up-front.

Evan Davies, who fronts the BBC's Dragons Den, said Bowie's initiative, also known as securitisation, was adopted by banks for use on customer mortgages.

Writing in today's Mirror newspaper, Davies said: “The banks were catching on to the idea. They thought, 'We have billions out there in mortgages which are going to pay us back very slowly. Why don’t we sell those and get the money now?'

“So the banks started doing what Bowie had done – in a big way.”

'Bad Risk'

In the financial system, securitisation, which effectively rebuilt the mortgage process, began to unravel when investors were sold "bad risk" loans by the banks.

“Securitisation was a kind of magic bullet for banks. It looked a fantastic way of making them more profitable with less risk. But they fired this magic bullet at themselves,” Davies wrote.

The process was used most destructively in the UK by Northern Bank, which was nationalised by the government last year.

Davies said the bank became too dependent on securitisation "and then the investors decided they didn’t like securities because they didn’t know what was in them and the loans were often bad.

“No one wanted to buy securities even if the securities were pretty good – which Northern Rock’s were. It was fashionable when David Bowie did it once. Ten years later it wasn’t.”

Well, he is the Sovereign after all. Calamity ensues!

I like google that much more.

2009-01-12T13:47:00.002-05:00

Times!

Physicist Alex Wissner-Gross says that performing two Google searches uses up as much energy as boiling the kettle for a cup of tea

gLOLbal warming! I'm gonna do a lot more Google searches from now on! Then I think I'm gonna punch a tree to make Al Gore cry.

Mexican warlock predicts US troops on border

2009-01-06T08:20:00.001-05:00

farts.com

MEXICO CITY — Mexico's self-proclaimed "Grand Warlock" says the United States will pull troops out of Iraq in 2009 and send them to the border with Mexico in an attempt to expand its territory.

The prediction from Antonio Vazquez comes with a word of warning though: his record of projecting the future is spotty at best.

Professor Antonio Vazquez Alba, also known as Mexico's Grand Warlock, speaks while making predictions about 2009 in Mexico City, Saturday, Jan. 3, 2009. Professor Vazquez Alba has been giving his yearly predictions since 1980, and last year incorrectly predicted that Sen. Hillary Clinton would win the U.S. presidential elections.

Vazquez has been making predictions since 1980 on events ranging from international events to the private lives of celebrities, based on his reading of tarot cards.

Vazquez erroneously predicted last year that oil prices would be stable and that Cuba's Fidel Castro and singer Britney Spears would die. This year, he says Spears will continue to triumph.

ZOMG Nerf warlocks!

A hundred posts! And we've only just begun!

2009-01-05T10:58:00.001-05:00

And we are just one man!

ROSEBUD!

...

...I mean, SCHWING!

My effin' wish list

2008-12-15T12:30:00.003-05:00

Cause annual gift day is coming soon! Time for giving and generic seasonal cheer!

Amazon

I added a top hat lol

Picture Time

2008-12-09T11:42:00.000-05:00

credit

Out of left field, but a nice surprise nonetheless

2008-11-25T16:32:00.001-05:00

DragonBall Z 2008 OVA

Damn you, Akinator

2008-11-25T09:56:00.002-05:00

Link

I've wasted way too much time there. I have stumped him quite a few times, though he has surprised me.

Alleged "Douchebag" Sues Author

2008-11-19T11:51:00.003-05:00

The Smoking Gun

NOVEMBER 18--Claiming that he has been unfairly branded a "douchebag" in the book "Hot Chicks with Douchebags," a Las Vegas man has filed a libel lawsuit against the volume's author and publisher. Michael Minelli, a 27-year-old club promoter, claims that the inclusion of his photograph in the book has subjected him to "hatred, contempt, and humiliation" and has resulted in "friends, acquaintances, coworkers, employees, and strangers alike" calling him a "douchebag." As seen below, Minelli's photo appears on page 202 of author Jay Louis's book, which was published in July by Simon & Schuster. In the book, Louis noted that Minelli's "popped-collar, spikey-haired presence was so far beyond regular douche, so far beyond uberdouche, he could spontaneously create a new element on the periodic tables--Douche Nine." At the time he was photographed by Louis, Minelli was working the door at the popular "Rehab" party at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino. As first reported by Courthouse News Service, Minelli's Clark County District Court lawsuit seeks unspecified financial damages and legal fees. Last month, three New Jersey women sued Louis and his publisher over their appearance in "Hot Chicks with Douchebags," which they claimed was "vulgar" and presented them as "females who date dubious men."

I SO want to see this trial... We, the jury, find the plaintiff to be... a douchebag!

Quite possibly the stupidest news I have read in a long time

2008-11-13T11:03:00.003-05:00

And believe me, there has been a lot of stupid lately.

The mayor of the city of Batman, Turkey, is suing Christopher Nolan and Warner Bros.

Link

The mayor of the real city of Batman — an oil-producing city in southeast Turkey — is reportedly suing “Dark Knight” director Christopher Nolan and Warner Bros., seeking royalties from this summer’s box-office blockbuster, according to Variety.

“There is only one Batman in the world,” Kalkan said. “The American producers used the name of our city without informing us.”

Among the charges are a claim that the use of the Batman name is to blame for several unsolved murders and a high female suicide rate, based on the psychological impact that the film’s success has had on the city’s inhabitants, Variety reported.

Man tries paying bill with picture of a spider

2008-11-10T18:59:00.001-05:00

Check, cash or money order are acceptable forms of payment when the bill collector comes knocking (or e-mailing), not a picture you doodled of a spider. Especially when the spider is an anatomical abomination with only 7 legs. Let's see what happens when David Thorne tries it anyway.

Oh, wow, I LOL'd... a lot.

MGS music makes everything epic

2008-11-08T19:43:00.001-05:00

My friends...

Robot Roll Call

2008-11-06T12:15:00.001-05:00

I'm still alive. whee.

Radio Silence

2008-10-23T10:23:00.004-04:00

Having been busy for the past few months (rewriting the book on shark sex is quite taxing) there's a lot I haven't been motivated to comment on. But to my loyal audience of three or so, know that I'm down but not out.

You know what? A sexy new Metroidvania is out and I haven't even bought it. Hell, I have only got a couple of hours in to Fable 2. Bioware has announced the not-so-secret KOTOR MMO (EPIC NOT SURE IF WANT). I haven't even commented on the awesomeness of Megaman 9 or how ridiculous the Koran music/LittleBigPlanet fiasco is (protip: it is quite ridiculous).

Speaking of politics, I'm composing a list of people you should NOT vote for. So far it goes like this:

Barack Obama
John McCain
Joe Biden
David Scott
Saxby Chambliss
Johnny Isaakson

...essentially a list of people who voted in favor of the abysmal $850B bailout bill.

Rejoice, for the shark savior is born!

2008-10-13T10:59:00.002-04:00

LA Times

The first time it happened, scientists thought it might be a fluke. A female hammerhead shark residing at a zoo in Omaha, Neb., had not been in contact with male sharks for at least three years and yet experienced a "virgin birth." She delivered a single pup.

But it has happened again, according to today's issue of the Journal of Fish Biology. This time, a blacktip shark, similar to the one pictured above, had spent nearly her entire eight years at either the Virginia Aquarium without any male companionship from her kind. And again, in what some religions might call a miracle, and what science calls "parthenogenesis," she produced a single pup. Using DNA fingerprinting techniques used in human paternity tests, scientists have determined that in this case, as well as the hammerhead in Omaha, the solitary offspring contained no genetic material from a father.

Yet parthenogenesis, derived from the Greek words for "virgin birth", has limits. First, he said, female sharks can have large litters of young, but in these documented cases only produced one pup. In addition, the offspring have reduced genetic diversity, putting it at a disadvantage in the wild.

Parthenogenesis has been observed in dozens of species, in some birds, amphibians and fish. This asexual reproduction occurs when an egg cell is triggered to develop as an embryo without the addition of any genetic material from a male sperm cell.

Chapman is trying to rewrite the book on shark sex, often a brutal affair that involves biting with sharp teeth and sometimes death. "It's taken us a long time to figure out that a female doesn't need a male," Chapman said. "You couldn't blame them for reproducing asexually because the sex is often quite violent."

I dunno, is the world ready to accept a new book on shark sex?

The Manga Guide to Databases

2008-10-09T12:42:00.002-04:00

Amazon

Want to learn about databases without the tedium? With its unique combination of Japanese-style comics and serious educational content, The Manga Guide to Databases is just the book for you.

Princess Ruruna is stressed out. With the king and queen away, she has to manage the Kingdom of Kod's humongous fruit-selling empire. Overseas departments, scads of inventory, conflicting prices, and so many customers! It's all such a confusing mess. But a mysterious book and a helpful fairy promise to solve her organizational problems—with the practical magic of databases.

In The Manga Guide to Databases, Tico the fairy teaches the Princess how to simplify her data management. We follow along as they design a relational database, understand the entity-relationship model, perform basic database operations, and delve into more advanced topics. Once the Princess is familiar with transactions and basic SQL statements, she can keep her data timely and accurate for the entire kingdom. Finally, Tico explains ways to make the database more efficient and secure, and they discuss methods for concurrency and replication.

Really not sure what to think about this...

...except I kinda wish they'd make one about algorithms.

Fanboy tears rained down from the heavens

2008-10-09T11:53:00.002-04:00

Gamespot

The current generation of consoles has seen a number of longtime exclusive third-party games migrate to multiplatform releases. The Devil May Cry franchise was a Sony exclusive brand until the fourth installment debuted on the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3. Square Enix's Final Fantasy XIII has also shed its exclusivity and will be appearing (in the West at least) simultaneously on Microsoft's and Sony's platforms.

Now, one more once-stalwart Sony exclusive has gone multiplatform, as Namco Bandai today opened up the 2008 Tokyo Game Show by revealing its arcade fighter Tekken 6 would be launching worldwide for the Xbox 360 in fall 2009, simultaneously with the previously announced PS3 edition. The Xbox 360 version of the game will mark the Tekken series' first installment on a non-Sony system since the 2002 Game Boy Advance experiment Tekken Advance.

Never really liked the Tekken games (though admittedly my seething dislike has thawed a bit in the recent years) but I, as a former Sega fanboy, can't help but feel a grim sense of satisfaction at Sony's compounding monolith of fail.

Wall Street drops 777 points

2008-09-30T10:49:00.000-04:00

You know why?

Fat people.

Spore post 001

2008-09-24T20:22:00.002-04:00

Behold! the CHAOS BUNNY!

Update: oops, seems it's .png file. Well up yours, dial-up users... and fat people.

King of Fighters XII

2008-09-23T11:07:00.002-04:00

WOOT!

100% hand drawn high definition sprites... and Huge Ralf > you.

Nintendo’s ‘worst’ console wins some new admirers

2008-09-15T15:54:00.001-04:00

lolwut

When Nintendo’s experiment with virtual reality – the Virtual Boy video game system – proved a commercial failure, the Japanese manufacturer’s critics were hardly shocked.

Thirteen years after its inauspicious debut, however, the system is suddenly attracting shoppers in the UAE.

Video game retailers emptying a warehouse in the Rashidia area of Dubai last month discovered a long-lost shipment of 100 units, which collectors believe to be the last of their kind still sealed in original factory boxes.

“This product was just left years ago and nobody knew it was in stock,” said Vijay Chandrabota, the purchasing manager for Geekay Games in Dubai. “For me, it was dead stock. I didn’t even know that this Virtual Boy existed until we found it.”

Electronic games enthusiasts such as Mohammed Omran snatched up two consoles. Like others, he had believed brand new models were impossible to locate because the system was discontinued in the 1990s; unexpectedly available, he calculated, they could be worth many times their face value.

“I was chasing it in all the shops and all the markets in Dubai Khour, but everything was always vanished,” said Mr Omran, a 38-year-old electrical engineer from Sharjah. “It’s not an easy system to find.”

Considered one of the rarest and most ill-conceived pieces of game hardware ever, the Virtual Boy was launched in 1995 but quietly shelved a year later amid reports of migraines and dizziness, apparently caused by excessive use.

Envy?

2008-09-11T09:49:00.000-04:00

Amber: Did you watch Metalocalypse last night?
Ken: Yes!
Amber: Well, he can do that.

DARWIN

2008-09-06T14:39:00.002-04:00

Watertown Daily Times

Lee said it appeared, following the department's investigation, that after playing a combat video game called “Halo,” Nimm took the gun and tried to recreate some of the things that had occurred in the game. With an automatic rifle, Lee said there can sometimes be confusion over whether it contains a magazine or not, and this confusion likely led to Nimm's death.

Remember that scene in Halo when Master Chief totally points the gun at himself and shoots? Yeah, that was a great one.

Christian Bale = Kermit the Frog?

2008-09-02T11:21:00.002-04:00

From some LiveJournal (remember that site?) user with too much spare time.

By the way, Kermit the Frog is still my top pick for president of the US, with Jean Claude Van Damme as his running mate...

...that is, of course, unless Christopher Walken throws his hat in the ring.

Fat People Addendum

2008-08-29T13:12:00.002-04:00

You know what's even worse than fat people? People in good shape who believe beyond all doubt that they are fat!

Oh, and in unrelated news, McCain's running mate is a TOTAL MILF.

Clayton Schools Lose Accreditation

2008-08-28T17:45:00.003-04:00

Na na naa naa, na na naa naa, hey hey hey, good byeee

And I feel fine

Fat people

2008-08-28T16:58:00.002-04:00

I hate fat people. I mean, I really, really hate them. This hatred has seemed to explode since I started working in tech support. I mean, not only is it offensive to the eyes, but it's also offensive from both a spiritual and sociopolitical perspective. Damned gluttons. I mean, I'm not exactly at my ideal weight, but at least I can see my feet and sit down in a chair without getting winded. Nowadays with as many fatasses as there are in the US (and with the UK catching up) I think being a fatass isn't punishment enough. I think we should administer punitive but constructive actions. First of all, a fat tax. Every month an IRS goon comes in and weighs you, adjusting your w-2 or whatever accordingly. For fatasses without jobs, well they can push them down a hill and somehow collect the kinetic energy for our power plants. Plus, they're ugly.